Yesterday was Sunday. I woke up around 10 am. My plans for the day includes do the laundry, overhaul the cabinets, organize my files, wax, scrub and mop the floor, repair the conked out fence, seal the sink leaks, sanitize the cr, polish my shoes, fold and iron washed clothes, go to the grocery store and sleep for the next three days. HAHA :D
But none of these happen. Not even one. But I am happy, though the house now is a mess and it’s bugging me.
I woke up at 10 am. Then for 30 minutes or so, I just stayed on my bed lying, staring at the ceiling, thinking, blinking, breathing, battling whether I’ll go back to sleep or get up. I habitually do this every time I wake up, the reason why I am always late. ALWAYS. A bad habit. Tsk. Tsk. So when I finally made up my mind to get up, it was already ten minutes to eleven o’clock. While I am waiting for the water to boil (para magkape), I face my laptop and connect to the internet world. I usually open this app God Wants You To Know every time I get to log-in in fb. That was what I exactly did. I read the note and was jostled with what it says, when you feel down it helps to go to some sacred place on Earth and then you will see that the miracle is there WAITING.
I was moved with the words. There seemed like a tugging feeling. Something inaudible echoed in my ears. Then at an instant, I have this strange and deep feeling of going to church. In all honesty, I haven’t gone to church for more than half a year. For seven months, I stopped hearing mass and I seldom pray. Hmmnn, I still attend mass at school every first Friday of the month and other special occasions, I have to ‘coz I have to check my students. But going to church, I never did since March. Yes, it was March 23, 2011, the last time I was inside the church. And the last time we had a glimpse of Mama’s beautiful face. The last time I saw the physical older version of me lying peacefully with her like-a-flight-attendant outfit (which she chose personally) in her bed.
Months ago I tried to get inside but I chickened out. It was weird. I have heard my students talking about phobias and we were even laughing at some because they were so OA. Like fear of sitting, fear of crying, fear of water, fear of lying on a bed, fear of policemen, fear of anything in red, fear of laughing people, fear of being too happy, fear of box, DUH?!! Here’s more, fear of going to school, fear of going to some strange places and fear of going to church. I laughed at these fears. I was thinking these stuffs are overrated. I thought they never actually happen that these close to nonsense phobias were just made up by a bored-to-death Homo sapien. But then when I tried to get inside the church, I was standing approximately 5 meters away, I felt my sweat dripping, and as I was approaching closer I felt dizzy, like the place is spinning, I felt nauseated, I felt like the world is closing in and eating me alive, and as I look on people’s faces nearby they have this expression of like they were blaming me for something. I screamed so loud. But no voice came out, I screamed in my mind. I cannot take one more step closer; the feeling gets heavier and heavier. Then suddenly the bell is banged. BANG!!! The sound was so loud and painful and I never noticed I was running away. Since then, I never attempted to go to church. I guess I have this so called Ecclesiophobia - Fear Of Church.
Back to yesterday, after I ate my breakfast at 11:30 in the morning, my sister’s friends arrived. They’ll be going to Tiklas/Pedlagahan. I said I won’t go with them. I have lots of agenda for the day. But on the last minute, I decided to go. I am my own boss anyway. While we were there dipping happily and noisily on the cold water, I cannot keep my mind from the strange feeling I had the earlier.
I have to go to church. I feel I am now ready.
6 PM, last mass at Sta. Rita Church. As I was at the gate, I feel my stomach go on a rumble, my heart beats faster, good thing my sweat didn’t pour like rain. I paced slowly, feeling the solid ground. Then as I enter the church, the light of the chandelier gave me an inexplicable warm feeling, the songs hummed happiness in my heart and I smiled a genuine smile for the first time since 1969. Haha ;p
Where is the miracle? The miracle is the words of wisdom from an angel in disguise of a friend named Adonis Acodili Labial. He was there standing 4 steps from me. (ug sa dihang paglingi nako abi nako’g si bitoy, si Adonis man diay. Haha) I never thought you are this sane and full of wisdom. You really made a good decision to go on a formation, beasty. I prayerfully hope that you will be successful. Please overcome the frictions along the way. Don’t stop on growing. You heard the call so don’t deny it. Embrace that life and you will be a gift to others.
And his words of wisdom: (i will use my own words, but the thought’s just the same)
No matter how happy or okay we may seem there is always a part of us that we wanted to be healed. We are all wounded. Everyone has a crisis, everyone has an own issue. But not everyone was lucky to handle it positively and righteously. Oftentimes we cling on to something that we thought can cure us. And we realized, sometimes too late, that instead of curing us, it makes us feel worse, a lot worse. We keep on wanting our wound to be healed but we never managed to take the knife off our wrist. We keep on praying to feel better but unknowingly we keep on scratching and cutting our skin.
Now, my action/realization:
The very best thing to start the healing is to throw away the knife and manage not to pick it up again. If I can go on for months without the knife, then I can start bandaging the cuts. Then maybe after a year or more, all wounds will be healed. Some marks may be visible, but these marks will be like badges, the more marks, the stronger I must be.
In connection with this, after this 8-day break you will see a different me. chos!
Lord, please help me. Sana mapanindigan ko ‘to.
