people might think that i'm weak, a coward, and afraid to face life..
THINK TWICE!!!
I say, this would be the bravest thing i have to do --- ending my life, going against God's plan..
do you think i can plot a plan of ending my own life if i'm a weak and a coward?
mind you, it takes so much courage.. a great ounce of braveness..
i do not know if i can still see tomorrow, im not certain about the success of this plan, i just hope it will.
i wanna thank all the people who somehow helped me...
to those people who are quiet close in my heart - i am sorry i'll be disappointing you.. i know all of you have so much high regards on my capabilities, but i can no longer carry all these problems.. i'm now quitting... i am really sorry... my friends assessed me as a strong woman with a positive outlook in life, but there are things that pushed me on the negative side of horizon..
i also thought i can stay positive despite all the negative throw ins, but i was wrong..so now i'm quitting...
today might be the last day i'll breath...now, i'll enjoy the process before it stops.. tonight might be the last time i'll gonna see my star Sirius (self-acclaimed star), the brightest star. after posting this, i'll stare at it and enjoy its shine before darkness lurks in me...and it would probably my last post, unless ghost can still sign up and publish posts...creepy! when i got home, i will hug my mama very tight so that the tenderness and warmth of it will linger in her memory forever, i love my mama very much..
if spirits and ghost were true (i've got to find out soon), when i die i'm sure i'm gonna be a bad spirit, a ghost that will haunt people to death.. but for sure, i wont do it to those i love.. BUT those people in some way contribute a factor of my bitterness to the world would suffer my evilness!! bwahahaha!!! (evil laugh)..
i don't wanna pity myself because if i do i tend to hate the world. and when i hate the world, i can be evil.
i dont wanna hear people blaming the way my mama raised me as the girl i am now. it is my own decision to be me. she doesn't have anything to do about my decision now.. my mother is so kind, a very loving mother, a very patient lady.. how i wish to be like her, but im not.. so when im gone, i dont want to hear you saying that my mama didn't raise me well thats why i committed the crime.. she doesn't ask me to do it.. it is my plan, not hers...she doesn't even know about it..and if she knows, she will surely not let me do it.. so, don't blame mama for my being bad or else you will go after me.
mama is the reason why i live this long. if not for her, i've done this long before. i love mama so dearly that i can no longer bear the pain seeing her suffering, lonely and in pain. i can't bear to see the pain in her eyes.
goodbye...
hope to see familiar faces soon wherever death leads me..haha!
22.2.09
1.2.09
grief and guilt stricken
t'was january 29, 2009 11:35 am right after i took a bath, my sister came home from school with a very, very sad news. As she stepped inside the house, she blurted right away 'te patay na si sir castillo'.
It was indeed a very sad and bad news for me. I've got mixed emotions. At that moment - i wanted to cry out loud, i felt my system went hysteric, but i was too stunned to move. I stood still for a matter of minutes, my mind was trying to process what i've just heard. The message couldn't sink in, my brain was rejecting the information and my heart can't barely accept the fact.
I was GRIEF and GUILT stricken. Why? why not?
Mr. Federico Castillo was my adviser in 2003 - 2004. I have mention him in my previous post, we used to call him "Canot".
"Canot", Sir Castillo
This man was like a father to me. Since I grew up without a father figure in my life, i tried to look the attention and care a father can give in every man i've met. (though my mother love me so dearly, i wanted to know how does it feels like to be loved by a father). And this man answers my wish. He was like a father to me. I never knew, though, how it feels like to have a father. but that's just how i look unto him - a father. Whenever we see each other (every time i visit GCCNHS, which i rarely did), he never failed to ask how's my study, how's my life, so and so and so. His gestures made me smile. He was very kind.
The first time i've seen him after graduation was last Jan. 7 this year, we've had a little chitchat then he said i have to come back the next day to get the book (his christmas gift for me) but i did not make it. A week after, after the 'one-week' holiday in Gingoog due to rain, floods and everything, i went to visit him. And i feel so sorry, that was the last time i see him breathing. We only had a small talk coz he was busy drying and arranging his files.
The reasons why i felt a pang of guilt are:
five - when i was still studying in MSU-IIT, he always ask me to bring a 'sukang pinakurat' for him..i graduated a 4-year course, and within that four years i went back and fouth (Gingoog - Iligan), i never had the chance to gave him his only request. Though it may sound a small thing for you, but if you try to look it in a deeper thought, then you may understand how i feel. It was just a mere simple request from the man who is so kind to me. If i could only wind back times, i won't only give him the sukang pinakurat he requested but i would give him most the thoughtfulness from me which i never showed to him.
four - i regret why i never gave the card i prepared last 2005 for him. i shied away.
three - i took all his requests for granted, like when he asked my sister to tell me to visit him..
two - i never had the chance to see him before he bids goodbye to the world. i came too late.
one - i never told him how i really feel and how i look up to him. it wouldn't cost me a living if i told him he was important and he was a part in shaping my life, that he is my 'father'... these words would surely melt the old man's heart. but i failed to say it. i failed to show him i love him.
i no longer need to say the reasons why i grieve.. His death is the reason enough.
I visit his wake yesterday, 6:30 in the morning. i went there so early coz i was afraid i might not see him, because an hour after i arrived at San Guillermo Chapel, his family moved him to Cabadbaran where he'll be buried.
though my brain already processed and accepted the information received - He's dead. but my heart ignore the idea until i saw him lying motionless. it is so hard to accept that i can no longer hear him laugh and i can no longer see him smile,the way he walks with his head slightly bowing and neck slightly forward, the way he lights his cigars, the way he hiss 'psst...hoy,hoy'...
though he's gone, memories will remain alive and refresh.
Bon Voyage to the new journey you're going through Sir!!!
You are always love by many.
It was indeed a very sad and bad news for me. I've got mixed emotions. At that moment - i wanted to cry out loud, i felt my system went hysteric, but i was too stunned to move. I stood still for a matter of minutes, my mind was trying to process what i've just heard. The message couldn't sink in, my brain was rejecting the information and my heart can't barely accept the fact.
I was GRIEF and GUILT stricken. Why? why not?
Mr. Federico Castillo was my adviser in 2003 - 2004. I have mention him in my previous post, we used to call him "Canot".
"Canot", Sir Castillo
This man was like a father to me. Since I grew up without a father figure in my life, i tried to look the attention and care a father can give in every man i've met. (though my mother love me so dearly, i wanted to know how does it feels like to be loved by a father). And this man answers my wish. He was like a father to me. I never knew, though, how it feels like to have a father. but that's just how i look unto him - a father. Whenever we see each other (every time i visit GCCNHS, which i rarely did), he never failed to ask how's my study, how's my life, so and so and so. His gestures made me smile. He was very kind.
The first time i've seen him after graduation was last Jan. 7 this year, we've had a little chitchat then he said i have to come back the next day to get the book (his christmas gift for me) but i did not make it. A week after, after the 'one-week' holiday in Gingoog due to rain, floods and everything, i went to visit him. And i feel so sorry, that was the last time i see him breathing. We only had a small talk coz he was busy drying and arranging his files.
The reasons why i felt a pang of guilt are:
five - when i was still studying in MSU-IIT, he always ask me to bring a 'sukang pinakurat' for him..i graduated a 4-year course, and within that four years i went back and fouth (Gingoog - Iligan), i never had the chance to gave him his only request. Though it may sound a small thing for you, but if you try to look it in a deeper thought, then you may understand how i feel. It was just a mere simple request from the man who is so kind to me. If i could only wind back times, i won't only give him the sukang pinakurat he requested but i would give him most the thoughtfulness from me which i never showed to him.
four - i regret why i never gave the card i prepared last 2005 for him. i shied away.
three - i took all his requests for granted, like when he asked my sister to tell me to visit him..
two - i never had the chance to see him before he bids goodbye to the world. i came too late.
one - i never told him how i really feel and how i look up to him. it wouldn't cost me a living if i told him he was important and he was a part in shaping my life, that he is my 'father'... these words would surely melt the old man's heart. but i failed to say it. i failed to show him i love him.
i no longer need to say the reasons why i grieve.. His death is the reason enough.
I visit his wake yesterday, 6:30 in the morning. i went there so early coz i was afraid i might not see him, because an hour after i arrived at San Guillermo Chapel, his family moved him to Cabadbaran where he'll be buried.
though my brain already processed and accepted the information received - He's dead. but my heart ignore the idea until i saw him lying motionless. it is so hard to accept that i can no longer hear him laugh and i can no longer see him smile,the way he walks with his head slightly bowing and neck slightly forward, the way he lights his cigars, the way he hiss 'psst...hoy,hoy'...
though he's gone, memories will remain alive and refresh.
Bon Voyage to the new journey you're going through Sir!!!
You are always love by many.
3.1.09
the power of power
huh! i wanted to have power.. power to make things right... i know everything's gonna be alright...but i just can't wait to make things happen, i badly want my plans to be realize..my dreams.. but how? i now wanted to start walking the mile towards it but i just can't raise my foot to move even a single step.. i am not sure which way to go.. east,west, north, south or just stay where am i right now..
i want to keep moving, to keep on pacing...i definitely know where am i supposed to go but one thing i do not know is how to be there.. i am not afraid in risking but i am too coward to start a fight.. i am strong.. i know that..
i also wanted to have a power that can heal all pains... i wanted to have a power that can ease all the agony...
can anyone help me? i am confuse!!!
i want to keep moving, to keep on pacing...i definitely know where am i supposed to go but one thing i do not know is how to be there.. i am not afraid in risking but i am too coward to start a fight.. i am strong.. i know that..
i also wanted to have a power that can heal all pains... i wanted to have a power that can ease all the agony...
can anyone help me? i am confuse!!!
letter to God
oh, God! help me... i need your guidance...
i thank you God for all the blessings and the trials as well.. the blessings you gave made me feel how lucky am i..and the trials i have been through made me realize how strong am i and how strong your faith in me. One thing that made me stronger in many trials you gave is the thought you believe that i can overcome the storms, and i did!
Bless my family this new year... i am not asking for a lesser problems but a stronger me!
you know how much i love my mother and sister... i can forget everything about myself just for their needs... i wanted to be a good provider to them...
i love you!!!
oh, God! help me... i need your guidance...
i thank you God for all the blessings and the trials as well.. the blessings you gave made me feel how lucky am i..and the trials i have been through made me realize how strong am i and how strong your faith in me. One thing that made me stronger in many trials you gave is the thought you believe that i can overcome the storms, and i did!
Bless my family this new year... i am not asking for a lesser problems but a stronger me!
you know how much i love my mother and sister... i can forget everything about myself just for their needs... i wanted to be a good provider to them...
i love you!!!
2.1.09
forever gone
last december 29, 2008 - we had our alumni homecoming....
t'was so nice to see friends way back in high school..
some remained, some have changed, some had gone...
it was the second alumni homecoming which Marion missed -homecoming that he would surely miss forever. Marion Y. Talampas was my first boyfriend. we've been a couple for only a month though.. t'was august 11, 2003.. i was fourth year high school then... we were classmates.. actually, only one seat separates us, t'was my bestfriend who happened to be his close friend also sitting that chair between us. even our relationship did not last long, i've had good old memories with him and with lilay. we were marion's angels: lilay, ting and me. marion was my first "heartbreaker"... after our breakup [just a week after our first so called monthsary], we were no longer friends.. for some reason i do not know.. he never talked to me, not even looked me in the eye. as i remember, we were enemies after our breakup. before our graduation, we had our recollection. you know - asking and giving forgiveness from classmates you've been hurt. it was my turn to give the candle to the person i wanted to reconcile with, so i automatically approached marion and gave him the candle while saying 'sorry kung unsa man gani ako sala nimo, and thank you' can we be friends again? i miss you'.. for a moment, my classmates were holding their breath and intently waiting for his reply, but 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes passed - he did not say a single word. i stood in front of him for almost an hour holding the candle in my hand. some of my close friends were already crying and asking me to go back to my seat and no longer waste my time. i still waited for another 5 minutes. after 55 minutes, i sat down, close my eyes and said to myself 'i now know how it feels to be dumped'.. in a way, i understand him. when i got home, i wrapped the candle [the candle he did not accept] with paper and put it in my treasure box. i told myself that i will only open this paper and light the candle when we will be friends. months passed, graduation day passed. scenario- the same. he was keeping away from me. two months after our graduation day, i went to iligan city to study [MSU-IIT].. i wasn't surprise to find him there coz t'was really our original plan to study in msu-iit. i've seen him in many gatherings like freshmen orientation, symposium and general assembly and i am pretty sure he'd seen me too.. i've only seen him from afar, and he sees me in a distant too. so we still never had the chance to talked. UNTIL, september [i forgot the exact date but im sure t'was written in my journal].. i was walking at the CSM lobby going to my math room 107...i did not notice him til he stepped in front of me. he smiled and made a 'peace' sign with his index and middle finger. what else would i do? i smiled back then said 'friends'... i still have my class that time so he waited for an hour and a half outside my room just to go with me to my boardinghouse. i was so glad we're friends again..the night at that day, i opened my treasure box and look for the candle then lighted it with a smile in my face..yes, i brought it with me in iligan coz i was expecting that day will come and it really did..it's not that i still have the desire to have him back. that time, i was no longer longing to be his girl. what i want was pure friendship. before our romantic relationship, we were friends. we were four in a group, marion's angels as i've said...
2 years after our reconciliation, he got married with his great love named loubelle - the same girl who was his girlfriend before and after me.
august 2007, i was shocked with my sister's sms 'te c marion wala na'.. i felt emptiness and deep sorrow knowing that one of my friends is gone forever. he's dead. meaning i can no longer see his face. no longer hear his devilish laughter. he was buried august 11, 2007.. the moment i knew t'was the date of his burial, i smiled with the coincidence.
last dec 29, 2007 we had our alumni homecoming [annual homecoming kasi]...
it was so sad that the familiar face you expect to see that day is now gone ..
then last dec. 29, 2008.. second alumni that marion missed.
t'was so nice to see friends way back in high school..
some remained, some have changed, some had gone...
it was the second alumni homecoming which Marion missed -homecoming that he would surely miss forever. Marion Y. Talampas was my first boyfriend. we've been a couple for only a month though.. t'was august 11, 2003.. i was fourth year high school then... we were classmates.. actually, only one seat separates us, t'was my bestfriend who happened to be his close friend also sitting that chair between us. even our relationship did not last long, i've had good old memories with him and with lilay. we were marion's angels: lilay, ting and me. marion was my first "heartbreaker"... after our breakup [just a week after our first so called monthsary], we were no longer friends.. for some reason i do not know.. he never talked to me, not even looked me in the eye. as i remember, we were enemies after our breakup. before our graduation, we had our recollection. you know - asking and giving forgiveness from classmates you've been hurt. it was my turn to give the candle to the person i wanted to reconcile with, so i automatically approached marion and gave him the candle while saying 'sorry kung unsa man gani ako sala nimo, and thank you' can we be friends again? i miss you'.. for a moment, my classmates were holding their breath and intently waiting for his reply, but 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes passed - he did not say a single word. i stood in front of him for almost an hour holding the candle in my hand. some of my close friends were already crying and asking me to go back to my seat and no longer waste my time. i still waited for another 5 minutes. after 55 minutes, i sat down, close my eyes and said to myself 'i now know how it feels to be dumped'.. in a way, i understand him. when i got home, i wrapped the candle [the candle he did not accept] with paper and put it in my treasure box. i told myself that i will only open this paper and light the candle when we will be friends. months passed, graduation day passed. scenario- the same. he was keeping away from me. two months after our graduation day, i went to iligan city to study [MSU-IIT].. i wasn't surprise to find him there coz t'was really our original plan to study in msu-iit. i've seen him in many gatherings like freshmen orientation, symposium and general assembly and i am pretty sure he'd seen me too.. i've only seen him from afar, and he sees me in a distant too. so we still never had the chance to talked. UNTIL, september [i forgot the exact date but im sure t'was written in my journal].. i was walking at the CSM lobby going to my math room 107...i did not notice him til he stepped in front of me. he smiled and made a 'peace' sign with his index and middle finger. what else would i do? i smiled back then said 'friends'... i still have my class that time so he waited for an hour and a half outside my room just to go with me to my boardinghouse. i was so glad we're friends again..the night at that day, i opened my treasure box and look for the candle then lighted it with a smile in my face..yes, i brought it with me in iligan coz i was expecting that day will come and it really did..it's not that i still have the desire to have him back. that time, i was no longer longing to be his girl. what i want was pure friendship. before our romantic relationship, we were friends. we were four in a group, marion's angels as i've said...
2 years after our reconciliation, he got married with his great love named loubelle - the same girl who was his girlfriend before and after me.
august 2007, i was shocked with my sister's sms 'te c marion wala na'.. i felt emptiness and deep sorrow knowing that one of my friends is gone forever. he's dead. meaning i can no longer see his face. no longer hear his devilish laughter. he was buried august 11, 2007.. the moment i knew t'was the date of his burial, i smiled with the coincidence.
last dec 29, 2007 we had our alumni homecoming [annual homecoming kasi]...
it was so sad that the familiar face you expect to see that day is now gone ..
then last dec. 29, 2008.. second alumni that marion missed.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)