grief and guilt stricken

t'was january 29, 2009 11:35 am right after i took a bath, my sister came home from school with a very, very sad news. As she stepped inside the house, she blurted right away 'te patay na si sir castillo'.

It was indeed a very sad and bad news for me. I've got mixed emotions. At that moment - i wanted to cry out loud, i felt my system went hysteric, but i was too stunned to move. I stood still for a matter of minutes, my mind was trying to process what i've just heard. The message couldn't sink in, my brain was rejecting the information and my heart can't barely accept the fact.

I was GRIEF and GUILT stricken. Why? why not?

Mr. Federico Castillo was my adviser in 2003 - 2004. I have mention him in my previous post, we used to call him "Canot".

"Canot", Sir Castillo
This man was like a father to me. Since I grew up without a father figure in my life, i tried to look the attention and care a father can give in every man i've met. (though my mother love me so dearly, i wanted to know how does it feels like to be loved by a father). And this man answers my wish. He was like a father to me. I never knew, though, how it feels like to have a father. but that's just how i look unto him - a father. Whenever we see each other (every time i visit GCCNHS, which i rarely did), he never failed to ask how's my study, how's my life, so and so and so. His gestures made me smile. He was very kind.

The first time i've seen him after graduation was last Jan. 7 this year, we've had a little chitchat then he said i have to come back the next day to get the book (his christmas gift for me) but i did not make it. A week after, after the 'one-week' holiday in Gingoog due to rain, floods and everything, i went to visit him. And i feel so sorry, that was the last time i see him breathing. We only had a small talk coz he was busy drying and arranging his files.

The reasons why i felt a pang of guilt are:

five - when i was still studying in MSU-IIT, he always ask me to bring a 'sukang pinakurat' for him..i graduated a 4-year course, and within that four years i went back and fouth (Gingoog - Iligan), i never had the chance to gave him his only request. Though it may sound a small thing for you, but if you try to look it in a deeper thought, then you may understand how i feel. It was just a mere simple request from the man who is so kind to me. If i could only wind back times, i won't only give him the sukang pinakurat he requested but i would give him most the thoughtfulness from me which i never showed to him.

four - i regret why i never gave the card i prepared last 2005 for him. i shied away.

three - i took all his requests for granted, like when he asked my sister to tell me to visit him..

two - i never had the chance to see him before he bids goodbye to the world. i came too late.

one - i never told him how i really feel and how i look up to him. it wouldn't cost me a living if i told him he was important and he was a part in shaping my life, that he is my 'father'... these words would surely melt the old man's heart. but i failed to say it. i failed to show him i love him.

i no longer need to say the reasons why i grieve.. His death is the reason enough.

I visit his wake yesterday, 6:30 in the morning. i went there so early coz i was afraid i might not see him, because an hour after i arrived at San Guillermo Chapel, his family moved him to Cabadbaran where he'll be buried.

though my brain already processed and accepted the information received - He's dead. but my heart ignore the idea until i saw him lying motionless. it is so hard to accept that i can no longer hear him laugh and i can no longer see him smile,the way he walks with his head slightly bowing and neck slightly forward, the way he lights his cigars, the way he hiss 'psst...hoy,hoy'...

though he's gone, memories will remain alive and refresh.

Bon Voyage to the new journey you're going through Sir!!!

You are always love by many.