priceless

Fall in line, please!

James: super likot! playful and the youngest (black)

Isaac: shy and sweet (black-dotted white)

Albert: sweet and thoughtful and loving (orange)

The Breakthrough

My life was out of sync, I was off track.

I got carried away.

I believed I'm in seventh heaven, but, little did I know I was dancing in hell. Unaware of the flame, I continued dancing and enjoying every beat of the rhythm. I got lost with the music. I shut myself in the new found world. Unknowingly, fire was slowly consuming me. I hadn't realized I am in hellhole until fire devoured half of my soul.

Half of me was conscious, half of me was under delusion.

Thin line between right and wrong was becoming indistinct and blurry.

Neglecting the warning signs flashed before me, I continued claiming the new-found-world. I kept on wandering but thirstily chasing for what I believed can make me happy and complete.

Wandering, chasing, and dancing… until I am frayed. As pain begun to surface, reality became apparent. I became physically tired, emotionally battered, financially broken and psychologically twisted.

Stepping out of the world where I was locked in demanded my superhuman effort. On the process, I became aware of another dumb truth: the thing I thought as my source of strength was, in reality, a kryptonite.

Tossing that kryptonite out of my life was never easy…

Day by day, I asked God’s help to keep me going, to keep me strong.

This instance made me realized that happiness found from crooked ways never last. Everything was superficial.

To be happy, genuinely happy, I must be doing the right thing. :)

I CAN'T HAIR CLIP MY FEELINGS ANYMORE

I know that you wouldn't catch my fall.
But would you just at least let me express it?
I would burst if this is tamed.
I know my stand as I have said.
And no worries I might be falling right now but I'll try not to hit the ground.
I'll work on it. This will pass, promise :)

The Miracle

Yesterday was Sunday. I woke up around 10 am. My plans for the day includes do the laundry, overhaul the cabinets, organize my files, wax, scrub and mop the floor, repair the conked out fence, seal the sink leaks, sanitize the cr, polish my shoes, fold and iron washed clothes, go to the grocery store and sleep for the next three days. HAHA :D

But none of these happen. Not even one. But I am happy, though the house now is a mess and it’s bugging me.

I woke up at 10 am. Then for 30 minutes or so, I just stayed on my bed lying, staring at the ceiling, thinking, blinking, breathing, battling whether I’ll go back to sleep or get up. I habitually do this every time I wake up, the reason why I am always late. ALWAYS. A bad habit. Tsk. Tsk. So when I finally made up my mind to get up, it was already ten minutes to eleven o’clock. While I am waiting for the water to boil (para magkape), I face my laptop and connect to the internet world. I usually open this app God Wants You To Know every time I get to log-in in fb. That was what I exactly did. I read the note and was jostled with what it says, when you feel down it helps to go to some sacred place on Earth and then you will see that the miracle is there WAITING.

I was moved with the words. There seemed like a tugging feeling. Something inaudible echoed in my ears. Then at an instant, I have this strange and deep feeling of going to church. In all honesty, I haven’t gone to church for more than half a year. For seven months, I stopped hearing mass and I seldom pray. Hmmnn, I still attend mass at school every first Friday of the month and other special occasions, I have to ‘coz I have to check my students. But going to church, I never did since March. Yes, it was March 23, 2011, the last time I was inside the church. And the last time we had a glimpse of Mama’s beautiful face. The last time I saw the physical older version of me lying peacefully with her like-a-flight-attendant outfit (which she chose personally) in her bed.

Months ago I tried to get inside but I chickened out. It was weird. I have heard my students talking about phobias and we were even laughing at some because they were so OA. Like fear of sitting, fear of crying, fear of water, fear of lying on a bed, fear of policemen, fear of anything in red, fear of laughing people, fear of being too happy, fear of box, DUH?!! Here’s more, fear of going to school, fear of going to some strange places and fear of going to church. I laughed at these fears. I was thinking these stuffs are overrated. I thought they never actually happen that these close to nonsense phobias were just made up by a bored-to-death Homo sapien. But then when I tried to get inside the church, I was standing approximately 5 meters away, I felt my sweat dripping, and as I was approaching closer I felt dizzy, like the place is spinning, I felt nauseated, I felt like the world is closing in and eating me alive, and as I look on people’s faces nearby they have this expression of like they were blaming me for something. I screamed so loud. But no voice came out, I screamed in my mind. I cannot take one more step closer; the feeling gets heavier and heavier. Then suddenly the bell is banged. BANG!!! The sound was so loud and painful and I never noticed I was running away. Since then, I never attempted to go to church. I guess I have this so called Ecclesiophobia - Fear Of Church.

Back to yesterday, after I ate my breakfast at 11:30 in the morning, my sister’s friends arrived. They’ll be going to Tiklas/Pedlagahan. I said I won’t go with them. I have lots of agenda for the day. But on the last minute, I decided to go. I am my own boss anyway. While we were there dipping happily and noisily on the cold water, I cannot keep my mind from the strange feeling I had the earlier.

I have to go to church. I feel I am now ready.

6 PM, last mass at Sta. Rita Church. As I was at the gate, I feel my stomach go on a rumble, my heart beats faster, good thing my sweat didn’t pour like rain. I paced slowly, feeling the solid ground. Then as I enter the church, the light of the chandelier gave me an inexplicable warm feeling, the songs hummed happiness in my heart and I smiled a genuine smile for the first time since 1969. Haha ;p

Where is the miracle? The miracle is the words of wisdom from an angel in disguise of a friend named Adonis Acodili Labial. He was there standing 4 steps from me. (ug sa dihang paglingi nako abi nako’g si bitoy, si Adonis man diay. Haha) I never thought you are this sane and full of wisdom. You really made a good decision to go on a formation, beasty. I prayerfully hope that you will be successful. Please overcome the frictions along the way. Don’t stop on growing. You heard the call so don’t deny it. Embrace that life and you will be a gift to others.

And his words of wisdom: (i will use my own words, but the thought’s just the same)

No matter how happy or okay we may seem there is always a part of us that we wanted to be healed. We are all wounded. Everyone has a crisis, everyone has an own issue. But not everyone was lucky to handle it positively and righteously. Oftentimes we cling on to something that we thought can cure us. And we realized, sometimes too late, that instead of curing us, it makes us feel worse, a lot worse. We keep on wanting our wound to be healed but we never managed to take the knife off our wrist. We keep on praying to feel better but unknowingly we keep on scratching and cutting our skin.

Now, my action/realization:

The very best thing to start the healing is to throw away the knife and manage not to pick it up again. If I can go on for months without the knife, then I can start bandaging the cuts. Then maybe after a year or more, all wounds will be healed. Some marks may be visible, but these marks will be like badges, the more marks, the stronger I must be.

In connection with this, after this 8-day break you will see a different me. chos!

Lord, please help me. Sana mapanindigan ko ‘to.

I wish...

i am taller.
6 inches more. HAHA :D if i am, i'm definitely not in here. i will surely join ALL the pageants and modelings.

i can drive.
i wanted to wander around the city on motorbikes. i'm jealous of the thrills those drivers experienced. the boy in me cries for this.

i had enough or more money and Mom is still around.
i so miss her. very much. everyday i tried to be okay. i kept on wearing this happy face. but i am still grieving. i wanted to sleep all the time 'coz in my dreams she's alive and we're happy. in my dreams everything is okay and colorful. now that she's gone, i feel like i'm a different person. now, all things taste the same - bland. i am not sad, i am not happy either.

they say 'everything happens for a reason'. but you know what, until now i have not understood the reason why it has to be this way. why everything has to be complex. every angle is complicated. i'm sick of it.


But i am smiling. :)

yes i am.

i feel like i don't have a choice but to be strong and i don't know what else to do.

i don't want to be miserable. i want a happy life. so despite all these complexities I SMILE :)

it hurts, ya know!

Are you hurting, too? ;p

Hmmnn...

Have you ever experienced standing in front of a crowd hamming up the best performance of your life, you were so engrossed and your energy was escalating and with all your passion you just close your eyes and let your heart dance and sing with so much life and zeal, and you hear them scream, shout, cheer, clap and all, and you opened your eyes and found out that they were not looking at you?

Ako, di pa. Di naman ako nag-audition sa PGT. Di rin ako nakapag-audition sa PBB.

This, in my life, is just a hypothetical situation. It may or may not happen to me.

I'm giving Showtime a second thought, though. HAHA :D

Pero di nga. Let's go back to the hypothetical situation. If this happens to you, how would you react? What would you feel? You wouldn't be happy, would you? Mahihiya ka na di mo maintindihan. Para kang baliw nagnganga-ngawa mag-isa. Now, let us give the situation another twist. What if your passive audience are the people you expected to listen to you, to cheer for you, to scream your name and clap for you, the people who're suppose to support you no matter what it takes, the people who are close to your heart, your family. Or the people you consider as your family for you no longer have your own. Magda-drama ka pa bang galit ka kung ang totoo'y nasaktan ka ng sobra?

Anger is different from pain, my friend.

I am not angry, BIRDS. I'm pained. And still hurting.

And this what I realized, You'd never feel the pain unless you love the one who caused it.

And I am very thankful to my boys as always. They always knew when I needed them most. Sweet kisses from them made me feel better and took the sore away.

The orange-tabby cat is Albert Einstein and the white-batcat is Isaac Newton. James Clerk Maxwell was out, busy chasing the waves that travel through space at a speed of light :)

Intrams 2011

when did life stop being fun and start being scary?

don't tell me when so i won't be scared.

i super enjoyed the 4-day intramurals last week, from tuesday to friday.

sana intrams pa rin next week at sa susunod pang mga linggo. ang sarap ng feeling.

no pressure, just fun!

Day 1

parade. ang init!

with mia & shaira. oh, i love my pink sneakers. thanks to xaira :)

super uhaw na. :p

Day 2

where are my paparazzis?

Day 3

di ko kabalo magkadang. ;p

Day 4, last day

over-all champion lang naman kami :D

tomorrooowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! back to regular class na. :) sige na nga, excited na ako. HAHA!

i love life!

i'm back! and i am alive.

this blog has been inactive for about 2 years. my last post dated february 22, 2009 was a suicidal note, my note. yes, you read it right. i planned to end my life. and i was really about to do it.about to do it. pero di ko nagawa, natakot ako. anyway, since then i never had the guts to visit this blog until today. as i looked into my profile, there displayed approximately 87 profile views. whoa! though there is no comment in any of my posts but surely my posts have been read.

reading my previous posts, natatawa na lang ako. if i have to compare those trials sa pinagdaanan ko from february 2010 until march 2011, walang wala lang yun. but here i am, still sane and intact.

thank God!

now, i am announcing that i still exist in this world. yehey!

and i decided to revive this blog. to start anew, i changed the title from 'the sweetest downfall' to 'miss karats'. i have edited my profile too. i removed the old pic which is so gothic and replaced it with a vintage yet classy one.

ngayon, sobrang love ko na ang life! kahit na minsan di ko maintindihan. kahit na rin minsan sobrang sakit na. after all, i am my mother's daughter. nothing can break me. proven!

i love life!

let us celebrate life :)

I eat. I pray. I love. I laugh. I live.